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March 26, 2010

i don’t know how to fully process the pain my husband (for now) has caused me. i don’t know what to do with it, where to put it, how to handle it. i no longer trust him–his actions, his words, his thoughts. i’ve invested nearly 10 years of my life in a relationship with this human being, and i’m contemplating letting it all go. i’ve got no problems with being alone, and i suppose i’d classify myself as a bit of a loner. hell, i waited until i was 42 to get married. i’m financially secure for the balance of my life, so no concerns there. the thing is, what happens after if i decide to divorce him? will i ever trust men again? how will i maintain my relationships with my sisters-in-law and other members of the family? i don’t want sympathy or shoulders on which to cry. i want to know … what do i want to know? i want to know these aches i’m feeling and the irrational thoughts consuming me will, at some point in time, subside, and possibly disappear altogether. i do want to believe in love, but i’m not sure that will happen ever again. am i fine with that? i think so, but if you were to ask me the same question tomorrow i’ll probably deny the “i think so” statement i just made.

i love my life, i love myself, and i love that i had love consume me. the question is will i allow what’s occurring now consume me more than the love ever did?

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