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grandpa bought a rubber

March 21, 2009

our families: they define us when we don’t want them to, they leave us alone when we need a crowd, they’re ours for eternity. my family, God love ’em, is as fucked up as yours, and some of them even more so than your wildest nightmares could imagine.

i digress: i love that you have no idea who i am. because you don’t know me, my face or my name, this anonymity allows me to discuss very personal things publicly and then walk away from the keyboard. i like that, and sometimes i need that. this brief history of a family member will make you understand why …

let’s start with momma–a crazy, psychotic, pill-popping, whoring raging alcoholic. she left mother earth some time ago and i’m thankful for that. oftentimes when i was a little girl, momma would disappear from thursday night to very early monday morning, leaving me with $10 to care for my brothers and sisters. fuck her for doing that to me. fuck her. i hated her for doing that and when she did that. i was young and scared and worried about how i’d take care of my sibs, how i would feed them on so little money. god damn her and fuck her. she’d come through the door smelling of rotten pussy and booze, then she’d run her hands along my cheeks and tell me she loves me. i hated her for touching me. yes, i’ve got issues with momma.

a few years after my momma’s death, i learned from one of her sisters that their father had molested them (all four sisters) repeatedly when they were younger. my aunt told me momma had the pleasure of most of this molestation attention. i didn’t know how to process that information then, and i still don’t know how to process it now. what kind of a monster violates the trust of his children? what vile son of a bitch takes away the collective innocence of his four daughters? where was my momma’s mother during all of this? did she know, could she have stopped it? so many questions and the two major players in the drama, my momma and her father, are dead, so who gets my questions and the brunt of my anger?

when my grandfather was on his death bed, one of my brothers schooled my grandfather. he told my grandfather he had destroyed our mother, that he had fucked his own family beyond recognition, and that he would forever burn in hell. the doctors told our family that my grandfather didn’t know what was going on in the last hours of his life, but i didn’t believe them. my brother told me my grandfather started to cry as he was talking to him, nailing his heart forever and ripping him apart as he was about to meet his Maker.

deep down in my soul i will always love momma. always, and nothing will ever change that. however, i wish she would have confided in me, and i wish she would have sought out help for her demons (of which there were many). she was so smart, and i’ll never understand why she didn’t see that and know that. when she was sober, which wasn’t often, she was funny and wisecracking and a really good mom. i needed more of those moments instead of growing up too quickly and having part of my own innocence destroyed. i know i will see her in Heaven, and we’ll finally be able to talk. grandpa won’t be there and she can let go of everything and lean on my shoulder.

rest in peace, momma. i do love you, i do miss you, and i will see you again.

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